*head*
*hit*
*keyboard*

oh holy shit...
I miss internet peoples.*squeeze you til you pops your head off*
I miss peoples in general. *sigh*
Oh how I twist and turn my world upside down and backwards and throw it over a fence.



No job. Yet a-fuckin-gain. I'm a real genius people.
Worst the economy has been in twenty years and I have to decide NOW is the time to get more job hunting skills.
Fucking eh.
School will start again on January 6th.
441 for two classes. Not including books.
PreCal and Humanities.
*'shoot me, please?' look*
I have 1.47 in the bank.
22.55 in my pocket. Gas tank that's gonna hit E on the way home, a cat I can't take care of much longer and a whole world of people who can't think of me without either getting sick or getting pissed off.
Fun.

BUT!
Meggu passed her driving test! *CHEERS AND CONFETTI AND STREAMERS!*
and Alex will still talk to me! *BUCKET OF CONFETTI DUMPED ON ALEX'S HEAD!*
... but my brother is busy learning to be a badass and my sisters won't talk to me and I make Duddy hurt and Loyd sick and Miyu hurt and just to mention him for humanities sake. Moxie... I honestly don't want to know. and Terry, of course, has been out of the picture for so long I shouldn't even mention her...
And I have nothing but debt. One friend in town who morally shouldn't help me with anything. Two friends out of town who, one that I've never met in person, and one... oi. Majority of my friends. *pOOf*

*sigh*
I miss school... I miss working... I miss hugs... I miss messages from friends... I miss Duddy...
*tear*
oh my god, do I miss my Duddy...
...
I've realized that I have no home.
The closest I ever came to a real home was with Rob.
And there is no getting that back... not the way it was...
I am just surviving and that is okay. But I, in no way, like just surviving.
There is nothing being accomplished and I hate it.
I have noticed something about my life though.
A couple somethings rather.

Number A -
I think I'm addicted to the vibe of passion. The only reason I used the word ' passion' is because I can describe it as only that, I don't know any word to describe it better. I've always enjoyed people who are passionate about things in particular. I could give a whole list of people I know and the things that they are passionate about. I've always said that "I don't like boring people" and it's because of just that. I like to see some fire in the human spirit and all of the things that come with that flame. THAT is what I am addicted to. Passions of the human spirit and watching it constantly flicker. It's why I constantly prefer the company of people and give my car personality. It's why I can always enjoy watching others play games or sing even if they're bad. At least they're passionate. I appreciate it. Don't know what I'd do without it.
[More non-sensicalness to be inserted here when my mind actually starts working again]

Number B -
I REALLY need to take my own advice a bit more often. Even if it looks like it's the wrong thing at the time. I should know better. My insticts are still sharp. I just need to trust me more often. I'll be fine. Just, need a little more faith in myself.

Number C -
My life never works out until the absolute last minute. I tend to lean on people very heavily until it does. If I'm not independant, I'm dependant. Apparently, there seems to be no in-between. I would like to fix that.

There you have it. All the thoughts I've had for the past week.
I'm gonna go read and listen to 'Indigo Children' because I've been so good about not listening to the Maynard recently. *sigh*

Life will work out. I will not break. I am okay. Things will get better. Something will give. Just gotta keep trying. It's gonna take time.